What makes me, me.

Who I am as a person is complex and ever-changing. Here is an excerpt from an essay I wrote that provides a glimpse into my many layers…

My First Grade Class Photo (2006-2007)

I had just gotten back from school and made my way to the third-floor bathroom. I was almost six years old. I stepped up to the sink, with the bathtub to my left and the toilet to my right. I stared straight ahead at my reflection in the mirror and wondered, “Why am I the way that I am?” I had only been in Montreal for less than a month, and I already felt so out of place. I was the new girl, the outsider, the American. I was constantly being asked, “Why do you sound like that?” and “Why is your skin freckly?” or being told, “We need to fix the way you speak.” I was asked question after question that I had never really stopped to think about. Back in North Carolina, everyone was kind of like me. Southern accents and freckled skin were far from uncommon. But it wasn't until I moved to a new school in a new country that I truly took a step back and thought about what makes me, me. Why did I have a different accent? Why was my skin more freckled? These are all features that make me who I am, at least on the outside. I’ve now come to appreciate all the layers that make me who I am as a person and work to highlight my uniqueness. It only takes one event or comment to shift the way you look at yourself entirely.  In my case, being the new, Southern, American girl in Montreal led me down a road of self-reflection. I thought I wanted to be just like everyone else, and despite that, I still learned to embrace all the multidimensional aspects that make me anything but ordinary.

First and foremost, my physical appearance can be primarily attributed to my parents, grandparents, and all the way up to the top of my ancestry list. My biological makeup is composed of Irish, Italian, British, German, and Nordic descent. My mother is half Irish, from her father, and half Italian and Polish, from her mother. On the other hand, my father is a mixture of Irish and British descent, from his father, and of German and Nordic descent, from his mother. These ethnicities have mixed to create me - blonde, blue-eyed, and fair-skinned.

While my physical appearance is a large part of who I am, there are several other aspects I would like to explore. My family, and the way I was raised, for starters, have heavily shaped my life. My parents came from strict, religious, and conservative households, although these practices did not carry over entirely into my own home. My parents, siblings, and I still practice Christianity at a more limited level, attending church every few months, mainly for holiday services. We also try to steer clear of discussing politics at home to ensure that each family member can form their own opinions and beliefs. While my parents allowed us to explore our own identities, I still maintain connectedness with my ancestors. My anthropological identity tends to remain behind closed doors, but the most special connection that I feel to my roots ties back to cooking and my Italian heritage. My grandmother grew up in a mostly Italian household and passed her cuisine skills down to my mother. I constantly ate Italian dishes, from lasagna to chicken marsala, and my mother passed these same skills to me. Without a doubt, Italian food is my safety blanket and makes me feel most at home.

Even though I know what makes me the way that I am, inside and out, others may have an entirely different perception. From an outsider's perspective, I am just a college, white girl. More specifically, I am a 22-year-old student at UNC-CH. Those who know me personally, though, see that I am a driven, resilient, creative, and caring student with a love for public relations. My friends and family view me as strong-minded and independent, witty and fierce, and thoughtful and motivated. Those closest to me know that I can stand my own and take criticism when needed. They know that I will work for what I want, regardless of the obstacles I may face. And most importantly, they know that I can be standoffish only because I often like to be alone and figure my problems out on my own.

When taking a step back, all these layers have truly shaped me into the person I am today. But the most crucial aspect of my identity is how I see myself. I see that I am a female of European descent, from Nordic to Irish. I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. I come from an open and loving family, and I am fond of my Italian heritage, especially the cuisine. I embrace the environment set up by my parents that allowed me to form my own opinions and beliefs, from religion to politics. And I am a hard-working communicator who oozes creativity.

These layers work to answer the question my five-year-old self asked that afternoon. But there is no simple answer to “Why am I the way that I am?” and that’s okay. I have accepted the layers that contribute to who I am, and I know that these differences are what make me unique and help me grow.

The road to self-awareness does not have to begin with one, life-changing moment. If you are struggling with self-awareness, check out this article and begin your path of discovery: https://positivepsychology.com/self-awareness-exercises-activities-test/.